Looking for a Positive Outlook

This month had been really difficult. I have no physical activity, but my diet was on and off. I had taken a pill called XEN DE SHOU to help me suppress my appetite. Surely it did work, but I had migraines and dizziness of the same effect. I took the ten pills and had lost a total of 3 kg. Last time I checked, my weight is now 77kg. Which is actually really great for me! I can't say I feel great. I feel awful. My eating habits had changed as well.

I used to crave for rice, breads and pasta but now they absolutely have no appeal whatsoever to me anymore. What remains to become a challenge for me is staying away from sweets. They have so far been the most difficult. If I can count how many sweets I've taken, you may tell me right now that all the efforts for this month had been wasted. I'd eaten a KITKAT bar, 3 TOBLERONE bars, I snacked on a couple of OREO cookies, had about a cup of strawberry ice cream, had a piece of brownie and maybe a few reeses mini peanut butter cups.

I noticed that I eat these sweets whenever I feel depressed or tired. Which is actually not good. This is the time when I start to feel hurt whenever I get ridiculed in front of everybody about my body. My body is something that I am not comfortable with. I feel ugly and disgusting. I can only take so much. To add to that, my husband is also not doing anything to even contribute to my well-being. I feel ashamed and afraid to go on reunions. I hate seeing my pictures and I hate dressing up.

All of a sudden, I find it hard to find that positive outlook in life. I forget to appreciate what I have and spend too time sulking about what my life has become. This is not the life I want and this is not the life I deserve. I deserve a life full of love, a life full of laughter and a life full of fun!

I don't know if I should consider FACEBOOK something helpful or detrimental to me. Detrimental because I start to envy people who I see smiling and are happy with their family and with who they are. They seem so confident of what they do and they seem so happy. It saddens me that I've achieved very little in life. I saw how they've fulfilled their dreams. They've taken vacations, bought cars, is doing something that they're passionate about. On the other hand, it's been helpful because I realize how selfless I had become in the past years. Being a mom puts you in such a selfless position you could never even imagine. I had forgotten one person, and that's ME. I had forgotten to take care of ME. I had forgotten that I too deserve love and care by ME and not by anyone else. I'd forgotten to make myself happy and appreciate myself.

For so long, I've been yearning for LOVE that someone else can give me that would meet my expectations. I want to be LOVED, but I never had the effort to do it for MYSELF. So today, I'm dedicating it to ME. I promise to take care of myself more and do things that will make me happy.

I will continue to cut-back ob my food intake and try to start a regular physical activity by next week.

I'm posting a picture of myself now to help me find out how to make this girl happy. She needs all the LOVE she could have in this world and she needs my support.

Planning Stage

This is my first post for this blog. I don't know how to start it, but I will write what is in my heart. As of this moment, my self esteem is very low as well as my self-confidence. I wear clothes that I feel I am comfortable with, which is mostly black. I feel that dark colors make me look thinner. However, I don't want to be wearing all dark colors for the rest of my life. I used to love to shop for clothes, but at this point I just hate it. I don't like buying clothes because it makes me feel even more depressed knowing what size I am now. I hate the feeling that the size that use to fit me, doesn't fit me anymore and it makes me feel depressed.

What makes me even depressed is knowing that the people who you're counting on to support you always make you the laughing stock anywhere you go. I feel that people who are the closest to me are the people who make me feel worse about myself.

The first thing that I would want to change are these emotions that I feel towards people and towards material things that I should be enjoying in this world, such as clothes for starters.

And so, I decided to start this blog. I'd like to share my journey with you towards the challenges I'm going to face towards weight loss. Why 60 pounds? It's simple, I am currently 176 lbs. For someone with a height of 5'5" with 2 kids, the average weight I should be is 135 lbs at most. I'm targeting 115 lbs, which is less than my real ideal weight for my height. I've read somewhere that if you have already given birth, you should give yourself an allowance of 5 lbs per childbirth. I am hoping to get encouragement from comments which will help me boost my self esteem and become an encouragement to others.

This is not DAY 1 yet. I plan to do it JANUARY 16. My diet will be ATKINS and my choice of exercise will be swimming, walking and jogging (all cardio exercises). I will concentrate on diet first and will advance in exercise later on.

According to ATKINS diet, part of the initial stage is planning when to start it. The start date should be the time when there are no events that you need to attend to that will have you eating and cheating. Why January 16? For one, its after payday. I can start changing the grocery list from HIGH CARB to LOW CARB food. Second it's after the holidays. By that time, my Dad had already left abroad; we always eat out when he's around during vacation time. Third, the first 2 weeks of the ATKINS diet is the most crucial stage where there will be alot of hormonal changes because of the shift from buring of the sugar and carbs you consume to the burning of the fat contained in your body. Before the 2 weeks will end, I should have already shed a few pounds before my birthday on February 7.

Things that I need to do for the next few days is to get my measurements. I will post them here. I will also post the things that I have eaten here. Normally I would count the calorie content, but now I will avoid the 4 type of food that I will avoid with ATKINS which is SUGAR, RICE, BREAD, ,and PASTA.

I plan to get exercise a slow start which is 2 30 min exercise per week that I have to meet. If the first 2 weeks become too challenging for me, I want to try the appetite suppresant FERN-SLIM or XENICAL to help me aide in my diet for me to avoid fatty and high carb foods. I don't want to have to spend of these pills, but if need be I will do spend on them.

Until next time!