This month had been really difficult. I have no physical activity, but my diet was on and off. I had taken a pill called XEN DE SHOU to help me suppress my appetite. Surely it did work, but I had migraines and dizziness of the same effect. I took the ten pills and had lost a total of 3 kg. Last time I checked, my weight is now 77kg. Which is actually really great for me! I can't say I feel great. I feel awful. My eating habits had changed as well.
I used to crave for rice, breads and pasta but now they absolutely have no appeal whatsoever to me anymore. What remains to become a challenge for me is staying away from sweets. They have so far been the most difficult. If I can count how many sweets I've taken, you may tell me right now that all the efforts for this month had been wasted. I'd eaten a KITKAT bar, 3 TOBLERONE bars, I snacked on a couple of OREO cookies, had about a cup of strawberry ice cream, had a piece of brownie and maybe a few reeses mini peanut butter cups.
I noticed that I eat these sweets whenever I feel depressed or tired. Which is actually not good. This is the time when I start to feel hurt whenever I get ridiculed in front of everybody about my body. My body is something that I am not comfortable with. I feel ugly and disgusting. I can only take so much. To add to that, my husband is also not doing anything to even contribute to my well-being. I feel ashamed and afraid to go on reunions. I hate seeing my pictures and I hate dressing up.
All of a sudden, I find it hard to find that positive outlook in life. I forget to appreciate what I have and spend too time sulking about what my life has become. This is not the life I want and this is not the life I deserve. I deserve a life full of love, a life full of laughter and a life full of fun!
I don't know if I should consider FACEBOOK something helpful or detrimental to me. Detrimental because I start to envy people who I see smiling and are happy with their family and with who they are. They seem so confident of what they do and they seem so happy. It saddens me that I've achieved very little in life. I saw how they've fulfilled their dreams. They've taken vacations, bought cars, is doing something that they're passionate about. On the other hand, it's been helpful because I realize how selfless I had become in the past years. Being a mom puts you in such a selfless position you could never even imagine. I had forgotten one person, and that's ME. I had forgotten to take care of ME. I had forgotten that I too deserve love and care by ME and not by anyone else. I'd forgotten to make myself happy and appreciate myself.
For so long, I've been yearning for LOVE that someone else can give me that would meet my expectations. I want to be LOVED, but I never had the effort to do it for MYSELF. So today, I'm dedicating it to ME. I promise to take care of myself more and do things that will make me happy.
I will continue to cut-back ob my food intake and try to start a regular physical activity by next week.
I'm posting a picture of myself now to help me find out how to make this girl happy. She needs all the LOVE she could have in this world and she needs my support.
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